On Love (Part 2)

Is it my appearance? Are only people who look a certain way supposed to be loved? Are the others supposed to resign themselves to a life without it?

I put significant attention into my appearance. I'm often complimented on my hair, skin, and clothing. I've heard no end of women say that I have an attractive appearance.

I have a hard time taking it seriously. If I'm attractive, how has nobody ever considered me worthy of dating?

I'm slightly overweight by certain standards.³³ Such as the waistline not exceeding half of one's height. Sometimes I suspect it plays a role. After all, college - the only time in my life I've been in a relationship - was also the only time in my life I was thin and lanky rather than chubby and overweight.

It's almost comforting to attribute it to weight. It shifts the problem - "I, as a person, am wholly lovable; it's just my body that is flawed." Which leads to, "All I need to do is lose weight, and everything will be fine." "If I run enough, everything will be fine."

But then, I've seen people far more overweight than me, who enjoy social popularity, who enjoy loving relationships and marriages.

I wasn't always this way, actually. Through school, college, and beyond, I was labouring under the strange notion of "people should like me for my work and character, not my clothes." The idea of "my presentation is an expression of myself which I cultivate - a way to tell people about myself, a canvas for me to have fun with" came much later. As recently as 2016, I recall myself wearing ill-fitting, color-oblivious and worn-out clothes that were aimed at hiding as much of myself as possible.

(I was also slouching a lot to "hide" my weight. An unexpected side effect of taking up regular running in 2022 (!) was that it forced me to fix my posture - you cannot run over a kilometer with incorrect posture. The resulting shoulder pain sees to that.

The process of fixing my posture also helped me discover that slouching makes your weight look worse, whereas correct posture - chin up, chest out - helps you look a wee bit thinner, in addition to projecting confidence and energy.)

I always took basic care of my hair (regular shampoo and combing), and was thus always complimented on my hair - even in school, where I had unwittingly done my best to make myself a misfit. When I dived into clothing and started paying attention to it, I started being complimented for that, too.

With that realization, the compliments may not be as unbelieveable as I initially wrote.

Some who know me closely say that I don't step out of home enough. I find it hard to believe - I've seen absolute homebodies in enviable relationships.

Between college and now, I've gone to a martial arts class, attended a German language course, worked in theatre for four years, gone to a number of music schools, worked in an office, and gone to many events (Calcutta International Classical Guitar Festival for many years, and most recently AnthillHacks 2022). My residence has moved between four different parts of the city. I frequently go out to survey for OpenStreetMap. I spent much of 2022 regularly going out to run.

Clearly, I'm no shut-in.

In German class, I was still struggling to socialize. For much of the time, I was alone. I got through A1 without making any friends. Lunch time was a solitary affair. In later levels, I made some friends. But I still hesitated to interact with the girls.

Many of these engagements are not places where you'd expect to meet women, or indeed anyone. Certainly not solo OSM surveys, where I am too busy mapping to talk to people. Hell, I just held a group OSM mapathon, and even in this group setting it was difficult for me to balance mapping and socializing.

I never interacted much with the people in my neighbourhood. Can't really expect anything to arise that way.

Also, while it sounds like a large number of activities when put together, perhaps it's too little for 12 years.

Perhaps I don't know how to hold a conversation.

I've tried to observe and (in my own way) emulate my more charming, entertaining, more socially- and romantically-successful peers. I would say I had a degree of success. After years of effort, I'm a markedly different person from where I started out.

I remember myself as being pretty quiet, sullen, insecure, and hot-tempered in college. I'm now fairly chatty, if I can find something to talk about - talkative enough that I have to actively ensure I don't dominate the conversation, and let the other person talk about themselves, too. The insecurities are gone, and I now have a fairly relaxed demeanour on most days. I can find humor in just about anything, and I laugh more than anyone I know.

And yet, I have no results to show for it. What reason have I to try any more? I'm tired. Each day is more draining than the last.

I don't really feel tired or drained everyday (or at least, not on account of this subject). It's just certain days where I fall into superlative depths of despair. Is this depression? Or will it just go away when I learn to socialize better?

I'm very grateful to have had the opportunity to observe and pick up what may be called "people skills" from Aakash, Shreyas, and Gagan.

My suspicion is that I don't know how to express romantic interest in others. It's a vicious circle. Why would you express interest, if you have over 12 years of experience telling you what the answer is going to be?

I'm trying to get into the habit of complimenting those I'm interested in. But I doubt anything will change.

Right, here we are. Those two relationships in college? Both were largely initiated by the respective ladies. Only once in my life did I have the confidence to be specific in asking someone out on a date.

I've been falling prey to fear and to not knowing any way of expressing myself romantically.